Jumat, 20 September 2013

What I Learned From My 8-year Old Daughter: Dealing with an Out-of-place Body


My daughter loves school. She wakes up in the morning and takes a shower before going to school because she believes in cleanliness. She read somewhere (or maybe I told her) that a wet head from showering gives her brain 40% more capacity than a dry head. Right at 8:15 a.m., she leaves for school with her sister and comes back at 3:05 p.m. She does homework every night and, if she is asked to write sentence, she will write a paragraph.

However, she recently came home disappointed. She became easily angry and frustrated, resisted doing homework, and said she would be very happy if she could take a day off from school. As the semester went last spring, everyone was too busy to ask what changed her.

When the summer break began, I had a chance to take a walk with her alone during a beautiful, warm evening. While we were enjoying the misty air from watered grass and sprinklers around the neighborhood, Brenna said, “Some people are so lucky to have a skinny body, blonde hair, and easily make friends. Life is easy for them.” I asked her why she thought that way. Then she said, “People just don’t like me. I never get invited to a birthday party while everyone in my class is invited. If I asked the about that, they would say…’Oh Brenna, my home is small so we cannot invite other people’. Or, ‘Oh Brenna, I am out of invitation cards. I know they lied’.”

I stopped walking, bent down on my knees so I could be the same height as her to look into her eyes. I could see accumulated disappointment but no emotions, as if she tried her best to appear tough and strong. I felt bad because I may have contributed to that horror too.

After a while, we sat down at the front steps to our house and continued the conversation. I never had given myself time to visit her feelings and emotions. I took everyday life for granted, while now I was shocked to find out how my little girl had been struggling with her being for so long, and she had been so strong.

Brenna is tall for her age. She is 4’7” and weighs 140 lbs., while what is considered “normal” height and weight for an 8-year old girl, according to standard health charts, is 3’8” and 55 lbs. Yes, she is tall and heavy compared to her classmates, so she appears to be “not normal”. Some of her classmates deliberately said that she does not belong there, while their fingers sometimes touch and try to flatten Brenna’s tummy. Paradoxically, being big does not make her more visible but it causes her to feel more invisible and disrespected, as if such an invisible big body is available to be abused, mocked or bullied.

Brenna, my 8-year old dear daughter, is living in what Puwar (2004) calls an “out-of-place body”, a body that does not belong to an 8-year old girl, a body that does not belong to a classroom filled with “normal” bodies.

The body and the classroom, both have never been neutral spaces, but constructed. The body has always been constructed through social and political practices as gendered (being male/female), racialized (white/black/Asian/Hispanic, etc.), able/disabled, normal/abnormal, and so on; while space itself (like the classroom) is imbued with history and meaning, where certain bodies are naturally entitled to certain spaces and others are not. The clear example is community segregation in city of Buffalo where East Side seems "naturally" to be inhabited by Black and/or lower class communities, while West Side seems belong to the White or middle-upper class. The white middle class will be perceived as out-of-place if living in East side of the city. So does a classroom under the school health regime, a second grade classroom is entitled to students with “normal size” bodies for 8-year olds but not for the tall and overweight student.

Of course, we understand that the discourse of the body cannot be separated from the discourse of power. Power here does not necessarily refer to a ruler but also to the dominant regime and social/peer control (biopower) in the classroom. In the Victorian era rules about the distribution of fat were strictly defined for aesthetic reasons; while in the present time fat has become an enemy that does not belong to the body (in other words, fat is an out-of-place entity in the body) and is defined under the health regime through the standard of the body mass index. The latter is still a little bit arbitrary because weight which falls below the BMI standard is more acceptable than for those whose weight falls above the BMI standard. In other words, being skinny or underweight is acceptable, or even celebrated, in juxtaposition to the overweight.

Don’t get me wrong, I agree that we have to maintain a proper distribution and quantity of fat in the body (our body needs fat at some level) but it is not necessary to define health solely based on weight. What I don’t understand is—why is it difficult to understand that some people may have different body functions and genetic makeup that makes them bigger than others? In Brenna’s case, she is a healthy child with no history of allergies or serious medical problems. Her body may be “abnormal” according to the BMI but she is among the few American kids who are free from medications.

Unfortunately, her body has become the center of attention not only among her peers but also for the school nurse who called me asking questions about the food I provided at home and the fact that Brenna has become the object of NIH-funded medical behavioral research. Of course, I felt offended when considering that I am one of few mothers in the United States who still cooks from scratch and uses natural herbs and ingredients for food which fulfills the need for protein, carbs, and vitamins. Easy-to-fix food or canned vegetables, or ready to use ginger or garlic in a jar is a big NO and microwaveable food is only for emergency consumption. Because of that, the weight of my other two daughters is normal.

If I feel annoyed by the accusation that I am “ignorant” of the children’s diet, how does Brenna feel when people think that her body is a result of her ignorance and that she deserves to be mocked and bullied? I am glad that she expressed her curiosity about being excluded from birthday parties. I am glad that she addressed her concerns with me. I am also glad that she is not just being quiet and accepting the bullying. I write this because adults, especially educators in the school system, have a lot to learn from her experiences too. 

********
P.S: I posted the link to this article, and here are the responses I received: 


2Like ·  · Promote · 
  • Nizar Faddiliah Ugh, that is why maybe I love school back home; those mean kids are everywhere, but you know, the kids back home aren't that mean - I don't know now tho.
  • Dave Krismartanto Pam Sari Thank you so much for sharing this mba Nuning.
  • Stacy Cano I'm so sorry Brenna is having to go through something like this. Thankfully she has a mom like you to help her along the way. She also has a family that loves her very much. Please give Brenna a big hug from us here in CA.
  • Dadang Rahmat very cute,..
  • Ambar Mbakyu Jinem Briastuti mbak nuning. recently we (me and hubby) had conversation about child obesity. we tried to not look at life style that contribute the overweight children. we related with many factors including genetics. i do believe if our children already has health problem related with wieght, her genetic will alter and she may suffer for the rest of her life. again the BMI indicator is not the only one way to see if our children off the chart already. but body fat and daily activities are the main things.
  • Jaeny Desjardin well, Brenna is a smart girl and she's lucky to have you as a Mom, she'll be grow to be a strong and a smart girl like her mom, I'm sorry that she has to go through those bullying situation, but like I said she's a smart girl and she will be OK because you're always be there for her.
  • Wei Zhao people should not judge a girl based on her body. Brenna is a very smart and nice girl. She distinguished from herself on others, such as school (especially being accepted by GT class). the ones ,who judge her and her parents are truly ignorant.
  • Brenna Hallett thanks guys that's very touching to me
  • Jaleel Thottoli fantastic and good experience
  • Keely Hallett Morales I'm proud of you for writing this an addressing the negative behavior brenna has experienced. So many children out there experience bullying but don't have to guidance to get through it. I blame parents....not social media or magazines...parents! Children only learn what they know from parents. Sure there are kids who are easily influenced by society, but if parents would just pay more attention to their children, like you do, they wouldn't fall prey to the negative influences of society. Maybe I am really naive about this, but in theory it makes sense. I was raised to respect all people and to treat others how I want to be treated....simple!!! Brenna, you are smart, BEAUTIFUL, fun, and kind. You have so many people that love you. It's a cruel world sometimes, even when you're older, but knowing who you are is what really matters. We love you bunches kiddo!!
  • Yuanita Amarien Brenna, stay strong and be true to yourself. At least, you'll learn who your friends are.. The ones who accept you just the way you are, not the way you look.. Hugs..
  • Nuning Hallett Thanks everyone for your support against bullying. As Nizar Faddiliah said, I didn't remember I grew up knowing that people can be that rude (bully). This situation is totally unfamiliar for me until I learned from Brenna. 
    I wrote this a couple month ago, but decided to publish after Brenna wrote this to school Principal: 

    "Dear Mrs. Kosis,
    I had trouble in this school for 1,5 years. On 9/20/2013 I had two boys in my class. 1st at gym, the two boys try to trip me and my whole class on the track, then after gym it was snack time and the boy, Yousif, in my class spit in my Cheeze-It bag so I had nothing to eat and when I was walking down the stairs the 2nd boy, Hassan, let everybody walk down the stairs except me. He just pushed me and hit me on my thigh. 

    P.S.: Your school student, Brenna Halett."
  • Endang Utari Oh No, Brenna fellow students already go too far. Brenna is a strong and smart girl. Hope the School Principal would do something to stop this kind of bullying. Please give sweet Brenna my big hugs and kiss.
  • Lingga Kartika Suyud What a smart girl, Brenna for standing up to those who give you trouble by taking it to the principle. Hope things will be better for you and anyone else. You've got character sweetie and that is what those boys don't have. Looks will fade and one day you will meet true friends who love you because you are who you are. Your character will live on. You are awesome kiddo! ^.^
  • Renny Damayanti Mallon When I was a kid, I witnessed this myself, it happened to me and my friends. I decided to stand up for myself, I won't let them do that to me. Just like a brave Brenna, I talked to the teachers and I faced them. One example, I hate Lizard, some of my classmates gather around and brought Lizard and one of them was holding it very close to my face and he intended to put the lizard on my face, instead of crying, out of nowhere my gut told me to be brave and face them and the lizard. I took the lizard from his hand throw the lizard back to him, I even had fist fights with the boys on some occasions and still many other things. But then, when they failed to bully me repeatedly, It turned around 180 degree and I became the leader of the class. Brenna, many people love you and support you. Proud of you to be brave and stand up for yourself. Indeed, You are an an awesome kid! 
  • Jaleel Thottoli Really good experience
  • Lily Wagner I am so sorry to hear about the bullying experiences that Brenna had to go through or still going through in school. That is really sad to hear. It must be hard for you Mbak Nuning to hear that from your own child. I know we heard cases of bullying fro...See More
  • Robert Lewis She is a very brave and beautiful young lady. My daughter also experienced similar issues in school in northern Virginia. She used it to strengthen her self and is on a path to mentoring other young ladies. You go girl!
  • Donna Morse-Johnson It is tough to come up against a bully. I no longer keep it in my memory bank. I got rid of it a few years back. It took a long time. Karma . . . trust me.


2 komentar:

Nuning Hallett mengatakan...

I didn't remember I grew up knowing that people can be that rude (bully). This situation is totally unfamiliar for me until I learned from Brenna.
I wrote this a couple month ago, but decided to publish after Brenna wrote this to school Principal:

"Dear Mrs. Principal,
I had trouble in this school for 1,5 years. On 9/20/2013 I had two boys in my class. 1st at gym, the two boys try to trip me and my whole class on the track, then after gym it was snack time and the boy, Yousif, in my class spit in my Cheeze-It bag so I had nothing to eat and when I was walking down the stairs the 2nd boy, Hassan, let everybody walk down the stairs except me. He just pushed me and hit me on my thigh.

P.S.: Your school student, Brenna Halett."

L.Sastri mengatakan...

Thanks for sharing Mbak Nuning. I am so proud of Brenna for writing to her principal.
~Lily